This is a post I’ve been thinking about doing for a while. Someone told me it may help if I did one about how I feel because I find it difficult to vocalise my feelings.
Then, today the lovely Karen asked me how I was- and was like, “you dont have to put up a front, or pretend you’re okay”
And it made me think about things- So this blog post is going to be me, LanaLoo, attempting to explain how I feel. So here goes…
I DO put up a front. I hide myself in a little bubble. I’m a very honest person- apart from when someone asks if I’m okay. I never tell them the truth when it comes to that question- Because how the hell do I explain what I’m feeling.
I’m not very good with emotions. I don’t know how to show them. I don’t even know what to do with them if I’m being honest.
I’m not okay. And when I’m saying I’m getting there. I’m lying to you. I’m not getting there. I don’t even know where there is. I could already be there. This could be it. My life how it is now could be how I’m going to be from now on. Blackout after blackout. Accident after accident. Day in day out. The same shit.
I could get worse.
Or I could get better.
My point is – I don’t have a clue what my future holds.
And that scares the crap out of me.
I’m a planner. I plan EVERYTHING. I have to know what is happening and when.
And things with my health and my conditions mean that any plans I make are 9/10 cancelled or changed at a moments notice which makes me angry.
I’m so angry inside all the time. I’m angry with myself for being ill, for being weak. I’m angry with other people my age (actually- people full stop!) that deliberately throw their lives away. Or when people don’t know just how lucky they are to be able to do stuff- simple stuff- like go for a walk unaided. Or open bottles or jars. Or even just be able to have a day without pain.
I’m angry that I’m angry.
I’m sad that I’m angry. I’m sad that my life has changed so much.
I’m currently doing a project for my 18th memory stuff which involves collecting pictures of me from my life so far, with various different people. And it makes me sad to see the transitions I’ve made.
I find it hard to cry. So I can’t even cry it all out so thats shitty too.
I miss Natalie.
I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her smile, her laugh, her voice, her hug, her “see you later” kiss, where she would hold me close, so tightly – it was like she didn’t want me to go. I miss the way she called me lanaloo, our chats, the way that she could cheer me up no matter how I felt. I miss everything about her.
I just wish I could hold her hand again. I wish that she was here with me. I wish I could hear her say “I love you LanaLoo” again. I just wish I had my beautiful best friend back. I wish I had my nat back.
I’m pissed off with the fact that people don’t listen. If I say I can do something- Let me do it! Or at least let me try!
I’m pissed off that no one seems to understand me.
I’m pissed off that noone gets me when I say ‘I don’t drink’. Fs.
I hate using a walking stick.
I hide behind my hats. – it’s like my little shield.
I’m so tired of being tired. I’m sick of being sick.
But the thing is- this is my life
I’m in constant pain. Yes I have a higher pain threshold… But – my pain is still severe. My pain is chronic and never ending.
If I’m lucky enough to get some sleep at night- when I wake up- I feel pain the moment I move or open my eyes. And it doesn’t go.
My blackout’s make things X300000000000 times more complicated. – and they dont seem to be any nearer to fixing them.
I distance myself from people – so that they don’t have to feel the pain I go through. I’m cheerful because I feel they need me to be. The important people, that know me the most aren’t stupid though – they notice, they know me too well. As is evident today haha.
On a positive note- I am genuinely happy when I am at college.
I’m so grateful for all that they do for me. I’m grateful for study support and my tutor Judy. I’m grateful to Sally- for her support- even though she’s not my teacher or tutor anymore. I’m grateful to all my teachers. Especially Karen.
I’m so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I thank my lucky stars that I have such an amazing support network. Amazing friends. Amazing family (half of which I’m not related to, and I’m lucky enough to say that my family is proof that blood means nothing- and you CAN choose your family- you just can’t choose your relatives).
At the end of the day- These are the people I have to thank. Not the ones (so called friends and relatives alike) that went away, or cut me off as soon as things got complicated (not that I blame them- I’m not an easy person to be around with all my health stuff I know…)
I’m lucky to have the life I do- because no matter how shit things are- they could be worse.
And at the end of the day I’m still here. I still have a life.
I love you all. And thank you.
Gosh – I feel better for that now!