Until recently when I looked in to the mirror, I didn’t know what I was seeing. Was I seeing me…? Or my Illnesses?
I had to ask myself every day looking in to my reflection, was I seeing me, my illness, or whether in fact I had become my illness. Whether I had become this empty shell of nothingness ruled by the curse that is chronic illness.
You see, I have this fear of letting my chronic illness rule me. I’m scared its going to take control, and “become” me.
This is why I fight it so much. This is why it’s rare to see me without a smile. Because I’m so scared of letting it win.
I don’t want to be ill, I don’t want to have all of these chronic illnesses, I don’t want to be limited, I just want to be me, and more than anything…? I want to be free. I want to run, dance, Jump, swim, iceskate, cycle.
Hell, I just want to be able to walk again without a walking aid.
I cope pretty well with everything thats going on.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s shit.
I hate it.
But there is Nothing I can do to change it, so I may as well get on with it!
It’s not easy, but life never is.
I’m going to live my life, not just exist.
In the words of my favourite artist… Live Your Life Be Free!
Want to know what I see when I look in the mirror now?
My illness is a part of me, granted.
But I’m still me.
I am LanaLoo and I always will be.