*Trigger Warning, this post is blunt. Its about grief. Its about death. Its about Nat. Its about how I cope with the loss of someone I love, It’s going to be a long ass post*
Someone asked me, like 6 months after Nat died “What’s it like to have your bestfriend die?”. At the time, I didn’t respond very nicely. (I’m sorry if you’re reading this, because I now understand why you asked me, and I know you weren’t being insensitive on purpose!).
It’s a question a lot of people have tried to ask me since then. Some just go “I can’t imagine how it feels to have lost someone you were so close with…” And pause awkwardly, waiting for either a long response about grief or for me to cry my heart out.
So, Its almost 2 years since Nat died, and I finally feel like I can find the words to explain.
It’s shit. It’s complete and utter shit. It’s like the whole world is turned upside down, and everyone else has turned with it, but you’re the opposite way from them with a piece of you missing.
It’s like the floors been ripped out from underneath you.
In one day, your life has changed and you know it can never be the same. Because you’re broken.
I miss her every single moment. Some days I miss her so much I just want to cry. Some days I do. Somedays I forget she’s gone. I still expect to walk in to the house and see her sitting there.
She’s still the first one I want to talk to about anything that happens. She’s still my bestfriend. I still love her and I always will.
With Nat, our connection was instant. We just clicked.
You could say, We literally became best friends over night. Thats the only way to describe it.
I didnt even have that long with her. We had under a year together. But the thing is? We made every single millisecond count. We lived for the minute we were in. We made memories together every day. We made a memory in every moment. And boy did we make each moment so special it could last forever.
I was, am and always will be Her LanaLoo. She’s my Nat.
Best friends for ever and for always.
Every single day at 0800am I would text her. “GoodMorning Beautiful. I love you xxx”
Every single night I would message her “NightNight NatNat, see you at 0800; I love you xxx”
And to this day I still go to do this.
Each time we had alone together we would talk about everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
From the start of our friendship, she told me how it was, in typical Nat fashion. She was dying. It was likely she’d be gone by christmas despite her wanting longer. And she asked me then to help her with stuff. At first it was her music. Then it was her montage. And then came everything else.
We’d spend hours together without anyone else knowing exactly what we were doing.
We’d have days where I’d go there and we’d tell each other everything that worried us, that we were scared of, tell each other our secrets. We’d laugh, We’d cry. We’d hug. We’d smile. We’d hold each others hand.
I wish we could do it all again. I wish I could go back to that.
Nat changed my life in so many ways. She completley flipped it upside down. She changed me as a person. She taught me that It was okay to be different, that It was important to stand up and be proud to be me.
She gave me confidence. She gave me so much. She taught me things I can’t even put in to words.
And everyday without her is so hard. Because she is my bestfriend. And life without her was always going to be tough.
Because the one thing she never taught me was how to cope without her.
I’m told by a trusted professional that I’m still grieving. Apparently Theres no right or wrong way to cope with the death of someone you love. Grief is a really funny thing. People cope (or dont cope) in different ways. The way I cope is I write. I find it hard to speak out loud. I find it hard to physically say it. So I write to Natalie, I write about her, Sharing her story, our journey and our memories. It won’t ever bring her back I know that- its just my release. Its my way of trying to carry on without her here to kick my arse.
I know she’s still with me every day. She never goes away. She’s my bestfriend and always will be.
I thought about posting them on here before, and in a way I do. I do post to her on here every 25th of each month, but this is going to be my new way of doing things. I’m going to write my letters on here, whenever I need to. Sometimes I may not press the publish button, sometimes I will, who knows. At the end of the day. Its for me and Nat. And if you choose to read this then you know, cool. If you find it too painful, then please dont read on. If you think this is weird and slightly mad, then cool you are probably right. But I need to do this. For me.
So here goes.
When I think back to this time two years ago,I think back to when you came home from the Hospice and I can’t help but remember that 1st day when you rang my mobile in a right state, and I thought something had happened to your mum. “No. Listen. Lanaloo. Listen. Come quickly. I love you now come here now” “Nat whats wrong shall I bring my Keys” “YES, Come now. I love you” “im coming nat, just keep taking deep breathes its okay I’m coming I love you too”…. And I ran round to your house, let myself in and made your poor mum jump. she was doing the washing up, oblivious to the fact you rang me. I sat on the floor by your chair for hours with you that afternoon/evening, holding your hand, wiping away your tears, hugging you, kissing your cheek and forehead. I wish I couldve done what you wanted me to. That was the hardest bit. I wouldve done anything for you. But I couldnt do that.
That wasnt the last time you did that.
But I didn’t mind. I made a promise to you when you became my best friend that I’d always be there for you when you needed me. And that is a promise that will never be broken.
Lets face it. I was round in your house pretty much all the time anyway. There were days when you didnt want to see me, so I stood in the kitchen talking to Uli, and talking to you through the door. There were days when you didnt want me there; yet asked for me later on and I ended up coming back again.
There were times when all you did was cry and hold my hand so tightly you were dislocating me (and thats not a joke), and there were times where you got angry with me. There were times where I wanted to cry with you. But the thing is? I would do it all again in a heart beat. I would go back and sit with you and be with you through it all over again. Why? Because no matter what, you were my NatNat and I know you wouldve done the same for me.
I miss you every day.
I miss the phone calls, I miss the times where you’d growl at me then put the phone down. I miss the times where you’d go “no. Listen. Dont talk. LISTEN. are you listening?.”
I miss the times you told me to fuck off… And then laughed and said “come here” .
I miss hearing you call me LanaLoo.
I miss hearing you say “I love you”.
I miss telling you everything.
I miss telling you all my secrets, all my fears, all my worries.
I miss the way you could look at me with those big blue eyes and know exactly what was going on in my head.
I miss the way we could silently communicate just by looking at each other. Sometimes we had the most meaningful conversations in silence.
I miss you.
I miss your laugh. Your smile. Your smell. Your eyes. Your voice. I miss everything there is to miss about you.
You’re my bestfriend. And you always will be. Nothing will ever change that.
We’re each others bestfriends, only one of us happens to be visible to the rest of the world.
I love you. For ever and for always.
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