Another Letter to Nat, So, again TW- Its a letter to my bestfriend who happens to have passed away, so it may be sad in places.
In a few days it’ll be two years. I can’t get my head round that! How is it two years.
As the paramedics were called again on thursday, All I could think of was you. All I wanted was you again.
Your mum wiped away my tears on thursday evening, just Like I used to do for you oh so often, and just like you did for me that day that summer, when we cried together.
So many number 3’s pop up. And they appear just when I need them to!
When I’m sad, when I’m scared, when I thought I was going, When we thought I had done more damage than I had (thank f*ck I’m okayish and not broken!), when I’m at my lowest, when I need you. When I’m happy, when I’m excited, when I’m nervous, when I miss you.
And many other times.
Its like you’re there, making me realise you’re keeping your promises. Your end of the deal.
You’re still with me. No matter what.
I wish you were here so I could talk to you about the decisions I need to make. They’re decisions only I can make, but you would know exactly what to say to me to make it seem okay either way.
Someone asked me how I havent given up yet.
I said- “because giving up is not an option!”
I’m not giving up Nat, not now not ever. I can’t. I made a promise, that no matter what happens, no matter how shite things get, I won’t give up.
And I don’t break my promises. Never, Ever.
I wish you were here to hold my hand.
Time doesnt make it any easier you know. Its not a healer. If anything time makes it harder.
I just miss you so bloody much.
Do you know what I miss as I type this post listening to one of our playlists? I miss singing to you. I miss singing with you.
I miss dancing in your living room, whilst you sat moving your arm and head about like a sassy lunatic in time to the music!
I miss our moments. I miss our time.
I hope you and siobhan are reunited and putting the world to rights up there. And I hope the flowers really were okay.
Do you know what else I really miss right now? the sound of your laughter.
Don’t get me wrong I miss everything about you, especially your voice, your smile, your eyes.
But your laughter really was something else.
Sometimes I can still hear it in my head. Your laugh was unbeatable. Actually it still is unbeatable.
Talking of laughter, I bet you love Jack, Titch and Luna’s laughs! I bet you love them full stop.
I truly do believe that you sent Jack and Titch to me. And Luna now I come to think of it.
Because each of them came at exactly the right moment, all for strange reasons. And all have come into my lives and stayed here, despite all the shit. And I love them more than they could ever know because they will never know how much they have helped me, and have saved me from myself! They really areMy Gorgeous Angels who walk by my side, sent by You, my Beautiful Angel in the sky.
Ooooo that kind of rhymes!
I’m impressed with myself 😉
I still get chills when I listen to our songs. I get flashbacks to back then. I remember it all. Everything that happened.
The good and the sad!
Theres so many songs that have come out since you passed away, That I just know you’d love. I add each of them to a new playlist for us.
I love you so much.
Dexters getting big! You’d love him. Everyone does.
Theres so many questions I have for you.
Theres one that I asked you all the time, and you never answered… And maybe you never knew the answer.
Why did you ever start calling me LanaLoo! Where did it come from?!
I bet you’d laugh at all my nicknames I have now! Especially Peppa and Sunshine!
But then you’d know that at the end of time? I’m still your LanaLoo.
I wish it didn’t have to be like this.
I wish we weren’t in different places. But I know you’re still my NatNat. Still my bestfriend. And I know you still love me.
Well, I better go, I have a kitten to play with (I almost put pussycat… But playing with my pussy seemed so wrong on so many levels, but brings back the memories of so many conversations we had! *to the outside world who may or may not be reading this, nat was dirty minded beyond words, a terrible influence ofcourse and insisted that we had “Sexy imaginations”!* Careful you don’t piddle your pants up there!)
I love you more and most for always and for ever.