Letters To Natalie- 2 Years.

Natalie.
My Beautiful Best Friend. It’s the 25th of November again.
It’s two years today.
How is that even possible.
I refuse to believe its two years when It feels like only yesterday we were sat singing to Elvis, Josh Groban, ABBA, Helen Shapiro, Belinda Carlisle, and all of our many many songs that we had. It feels like just today we sat laughing uncontrollably over the fact that I had an uncle called Bob. It feels like only an hour ago you came and turned my life completley upside down, and helped shape me into the wierdo that I am today.
It feels like only a minute ago that we had our final “see you later”. It feels like just a second has passed since I held your hand for the last time.
image
That means it’s two years since you last told me you loved me, and I told you I Loved You too. Two years since you last called me LanaLoo. Two years since our last hug, our last kiss see you laters. Two years since you last swore at me. Two years since you last rang my phone. Two years since you randomly asked for a tea towel, and laughed at me for “losing” my phone (which was in my pocket). Two years and I still have to have your picture and card beside my bed. Two years since you dislocated my wrist and shoulder, and then shouted and freaked out at me for relocating it in front of you (I bet you’re laughing now theres a certain person in my life  that reacts the same if not worse! You two wouldve been so funny together!)

Its Two years since we laughed so much we cried, barely able to breathe, almost peeing ourselves over things that don’t even seem funny now. Two years since that day the pigeon flew into your french doors and it scared me and your mum shitless but you couldnt stop pissing yourself. Two years since you converted me from this kind of shy, kind of strange kid into the gobby shite that I am now.
Two years since you taught me what a bestfriend reaaaaally was! Thats two whole years since we became bestfriends.

Two years since I last wiped your tears away and held your hand. Two years since you educated me on the world and all the mischief you got up to (its a good job you made me promise not to tell!).

Two years since you last told me you loved me more and most, for ever and for always.

Two quiet years since I last heard your voice,your shall we say distinctive singing voice, and your oh so contagious laugh. Two empty years without that smile that crept across your face, reached your big blue eyes and lit up the room. Two years since that heartbreaking, earth shattering moment. Two whole years since you grew your wings and said goodnight.

In two years so much has happened, but I’ve kept all our promises and kept you with me the whole time. Every moment of my life I know you are by my side, and knowing this gives me the strength to get through each day.
image
Thank you for never leaving me and being with me through it all, just like you promised. Thank you for all the signs and the number 3’s. Thank you for keeping your end of the deal. Without you, and the strength you gave me, I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it. You gave me the strength to carry on and fight through all the shite I’ve gone through.

I miss our conversations, however quirky and sometimes insane.
I miss not messaging you every morning, every night, about every single thing that happened throughout my day as it happened. I miss our hugs. Our moments. I miss that when something happens, the one person I want to tell is no longer at home waiting for me.
I miss you. I miss everything about you. Its still weird with you gone.

A part of me will never believe you won’t be sitting in your chair when I walk into your house. A part of me will never be able to believe that you’ve gone.

image
Sometimes I can still hear you in my head. Sometimes I can still smell you (although you’d slap me for saying that!). Sometimes, When I’m at my lowest, I can close my eyes and go back to those days where we’d sit, laugh, cry, hug each other and all the stress in that moment would melt away. I would do anything to have you back again.

You’d Love Jack and Titch (and minititch), and Luma I can just imagine it now the trouble we’d all get up to. The mischief you’d get us to cause. The damage that you’d cause to our livers!

I wish you were still here to meet everyone. I wish you could’ve been there at my 18th. I wish you couldve got me pissed like you wanted to. I wish you could’ve been there when I got our tattoo done.
I wish you were still here to kick my arse when needed and I wish you were still here to talk with. I wish you could’ve been here for all the things that have happened and all the things yet to happen.

But then if you were here you’d hit me with your pillows for being too soppy.

You’d read this and be like “oh shut up! Stop being all cute! F*ck sake LanaLoo!”

Thank you for everything you ever taught me. Thank you for every moment we had.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for giving me the greatest gifts, sending me some amazing people, making their paths cross with mine. Thank you for looking out for them as well as me. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Poor Jacks heart! Jeeeeeez Natalie!!!

More than anythimg else Nat, I want to thank you for being my bestfriend.

NatNat, My CrazyLady, You will always be the most brave, inspirational, incredible, beautiful human being I have ever met. I will never be able to full justify you and how amazing you were  to anyone.
image

You were and are more than my bestfriend. You became my bestfriend, a mother, someone who loved and cared for me and most importantly loved me for me. You became a protector, an arsekicker, a rock, a light, a motivator (i.e. go do it or else! 😉 ), and oh so much more.

Now don’t get me wrong, you were completley off your head. You were bonkers, but truly unique. What you saw was what you got. No secrets, No lies. You were you. And that was that.
image
You were strong, gobby, Down to earth, short, Honest, loud, beautiful, smart, funny, foul mouthed, a bad influence (hehe!), a right old (!) Bossyboots and pain in the arse, and well, you were Just truly magical.

You were one of a kind.

You were Nat.

image

Is it too cheesey to say that everything thing I do, I do it for you? Probably too cheesey. But hey who cares! You liked cheese!
I just hope that no matter what happens, and no matter what I end up doing, I do you proud.

image

You were and are my bestfriend and Hero Natalie Hasler.

I’ll never forget you or the time we had together. Our memories will always be safe.
We met for a reason, we both know that. We met at exactly the right moment. Neither of us knew why, but both of us were thankful. We became bestfriends and partners in crime.

I’ll always keep our promises.
I’ll always tell everyone about you. About how amazing my NatNat was.

image

Oh and thank you for all the signs you send, although if you could refrain from throwing our hats off my lap and making me swear in public that will be great- bloody woman, I don’t know 😉

Theres so much more That I want to say today. But I’ll save it for now. It’s long enough… For now 😉

Bet you’re still perving over Stuart broads arse and drinking vodka shots, woowoos and pina coladas up there! I’ll have a small cheeky vodka for you today (on a “school” night too, told you, you made me become such a rebel 😉 )

image
I’ll “see you later” then beautiful.

I love you, more and most, for always and for ever.

Your LanaLoo xxx3xxx

A mini montagey video thing can be found here! https://youtu.be/TFVrablnzBE

And the other video (which explanation is in the description of said video) can be found here! https://youtu.be/3vtNJtU0thE

Advertisements

About The Inconsiderate Cripple

Hi there, I'm the inconsiderate cripple. Welcome to the world through my eyes. I'm Lana, a 19 year old crazy person with chronic illness/disability living for the moment. my blogs a bit weird, a bit 'out there' and a bit well... me. Welcome and Hopefully - You'll stay with me on this journey!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Letters To Natalie- 2 Years.

  1. Pingback: Grief + Letters To Nat | The Story Of The Inconsiderate Cripple

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s