Hi everyone, Don’t worry, I’m not about to talk about Adele or launch into song…
HOW ARE YOU ALL?!?!
I’m sorry its been a while, but I’m hoping that by the end of this you will have forgiven me for my absence. If this is all a bit long and weird and a bit jumbled, I apologise in advance.
So much has happened since my last post, even though that wasn’t that long ago…
Since October/November time, my health started to decline. Unfortunately, Things haven’t improved, and since Christmas, things have gone from bad to worse.
I’ve been telling you all that I’m “Getting there” and “I’m okay!”. I don’t say this because its true. I say it because its easier to say that than to admit that actually, I’m not ok anymore. I’m not fine. I’m not getting there.
Its time you knew the truth.
I often forget that I’m human. I know that sounds stupid, and I’m not saying that I think of myself as a superhero or a god. It feels like I’m a faulty machine, or a robot with a part missing, Because a human lives life, a robot just exists. And well, what I mean to say is that sometimes I forget that life is for living, sometimes I even forget how to live, when some days it’s a struggle to just exist.
It’s funny really, I was never the best actress in my GCSE Drama class, but now? I put on an act almost every time I leave the house, or have someone visit us. I pretend each and every moment in other people presence to be okay. Admittedly, this doesn’t work as well as it used to as my dislocations and subluxations are more frequent, as are my blackouts and seizures, But still, I put on this act that I’m not in much pain as I relocate my own joints. I suppose that’s a talent some pay money to develop! I don’t think many people actually realise how incredibly painful it is. Sometimes it feels like I’m being ripped apart from the inside out. But you see the thing is, the reasons why I pretend is that I see everyday what it does to my close, close loved ones when they see that I’m not ok. I see the pain in their eyes when they see the pain in mine. I know how stressful and painful it is for them to see me like this. I know it upsets them. I know how hard it is for them and that alone destroys me. So in my head, by pretending to be okay, I was saving the ones I loved from that same pain. I had this very naive idea that if I pretended to be ok, all of this pain, all of this crap, would disappear and I could be normal again.
In reality, I’m in unimaginable pain, and each week my health seems to have deteriorated yet again. I’m left crying on the floor, wondering when its all going to stop. It’s scary, its sh*t and I hate it. BUT Its my life, and I have to embrace it! Focus on the positives ,and the fact that I still have a life! I’m still breathing!
I prefer positivity!
I had my arse kicked big time at the beginning of this month for being stubborn and for pretending to be okay when I wasn’t. I tried to go for an adventure on my crutches without my wheelchair. Yeah. Didn’t end well. Wheelchair was needed. My dad had to go home and get it for me. But still, everyone seemed to find the funny side of the situation!
ANYWAY! Its all changing this year.
I’ve learnt that I need to be honest with all of you and most importantly, I need to be honest with myself.
I need to stop being stubborn. I need to listen to my body. I need to learn my limitations.
That doesn’t mean I’m giving up by the way, Its anything but!
I’m stronger now. I am ready to fight this. I’m ready to face, head on whatever this year brings.
I just needed reminding of what’s important.
I needed my arse kicked.
Thank you to those that did kick my arse.
I know that if Natalie was still here, she’d kick my arse BIG TIME. She’d kick my arse and then hug me for the next century ! (Can you believe its 3 years in November! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!) Talking of Nat, My necklace arrived! I’m a bit in love with it!
There are going to be some very difficult things I have to face this week and Next.
I’m hoping to return to college this week to discuss things with them, and tell them the details, and the plans I may have to go ahead with.
My Many medical people that are involved in my care and my case have been in close communications with me, and hopefully, with a bit of luck they may find answers soon.
Other things going on this week includes Luna’s Birthday tomorrow! (HAPPY BIRTHDAY GORGEOUS), a few appointments (FUN), and of course it’s a certain little cheeky boys 5th birthday this week!
This post is to try and get you to understand things from my point of view, and its to get my point across.
I don’t want sympathy – I’d much prefer for you to have a laugh with me and just speak to me as you would normally.
And please for pity sake Don’t give me the look. BECAUSE ACTUALLY THAT MAKES IT WORSE! I’m going to be okay ( and that’s not even a lie, one way or another I’m going to be ok!)
Things aren’t perfect in my life, but then life never is perfect, and that’s the beauty of it.
Onwards and upwards people!
P.s. I found this picture of Nat on my computer. If you know my thing about the tongues you’ll know why this both amused me so much and annoyed the flipflops out of me