TW- Its a letter to Nat again.
If you want to read the rest in this series, go read this post, with the links to all the letters so far at the end of the post! – https://thestoryoftheinconsideratecripple.wordpress.com/2015/10/11/letters-to-natalie/
I was going to post on the 3rd, as it was 3/3/16, 3’s galore
But you know, typical for me, I ended up in hospital. fun fun fun.
Now, not only do I still feel a bit crappy health wise, A part of me just realllllly wants to cry because I could really do with a Nat Chat right about now. Actually, what I really need is you, You here with me once again. I’m scared Nat. I’m scared of whats going to happen. I’m scared of what the rest of my life is going to be like.
I’m scared of failing.
I didn’t expect it to be like this.
I hate that I’m this poorly. I hate that I had to leave college. I hate that I’m so angry inside. I hate that I’m a mess and all I want is a to have my bestfriend back again.I’m scared of my own future. I just wish you could be here to hold my hand, hug me and tell me it will all be ok again. I wish you were here to kick my arse again.
I miss you. I say those words a lot, I know. But it’s the gods honest truth. I have never missed anyone or anything as much as I miss you and everything about you.
I thought I’d let you and everyone else down when I left college in January. I’ve realised now that it wasn’t a matter of choice of leaving. I HAD to leave. I know you’d have understood that all too well.
Someone asked me the other day about the promises you asked me to keep. – I say ask, more like demand 😉
Some of them are so SO hard to keep, especially when half the world don’t know about them or what they are all about.
Something happened the other month that made me re-think things. I had to completely re think the way I could keep your promises. A part of me wanted to just keep 29 out of 30 promises and maybe that would be enough? Because keeping it was proving too hard.BUT its ok now, I can do this Nat. For you. I have to do it for you. I HAVE TO KEEP YOUR PROMISES. I don’t break our promises.
Theres a song out called wasnt expecting that. You would’ve loved it. Strangely its when new songs come out that it hits me most. Music is my way of coping and expressing myself, so Music was one of our things. Its hard because when a new song comes out that I know you’d love, I realise you wont be here to listen to it with, or sing along to.
I wasnt expecting that to hit me just like it does!
Nat, No matter what my life brings in the coming months. I think I’ll be ok you know Because I have the most amazing support network, and even though you’re not here to hug me again, you’re here with me no matter what. By my side till infinity and beyond.
I love you. Forever and for always. More and most.
Your LanaLoo xxx