TriggerWarning- Its a letter to Nat again. If you want to read the rest in this series, go read this post, with the links to all the letters so far at the end of the post! –
Its the 25th again. Another month has passed. I cant quite believe that you left 2 years, 5 months ago.
How is that even possible.
I wear the necklace with your photo in everyday. It helps on my worse days because It makes me feel even closer to you. Its a reminder that I have our promises to fulfill.
I still cant settle unless I have your picture with me – this includes when I’m in hospital etc. Mum or Dad always grab my NatNat photo. You’re always with me.
I was listening to young hearts run free yesterday and I couldnt help but close my eyes as I sing along. All I could do is remember back to when we had one of our many sing a long sessions, and you were like proper going for it (as you always did)- and when you couldnt remember the words, in true NatNat fashion you were like “leurgh lerugh la la la la leurgh ooooomph MY MIND MUST BE FREE TO LEARN ALL I CAN ABOUT ME … leurgh leurgh lallallallalllaaaa I’M GONNA LOVE ME FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS LEURGH LALALALALLALAA ALALALLALALALLALA OOMPH YOUNG HEARTS RUN FREEEEEEEEEEEE!”.
Some times its the little moments like those that get me the most. It’s the little memories that just pop back in to my head again!
I’m not sure how I feel today you know.
It’s been a strange day Nat.
I went from being told that I was ‘contagious’ to being told I’m alright – just flaring with a possible infection.
I started the day pissed off and frustrated….and ended it numb.
I spent some time with your mum, my sister, bailey and Sandra today. You came up in conversation as usual.
You would have loved my sister. I wish you actually got to meet her. You’d love her beautiful kids too.
I’ve been listening to a song called Dancing in the sky recently and its funny because your mum shared it on facebook a year ago today and it went back on today!
Theres a bit where it goes
“Tell me what does it look like in heaven
Is it peaceful? Is free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever
Have your fears and your pain gone away
‘Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir”
All of the lyrics are so so soooo true. There is an emptiness without you, even now.
And I hope all of your pain has gone, that you can dance again, and that you’re still the same NatNat, and they all know how lucky they are up there to have you. Because we would do anything to have you back again.
We all miss you beyond words.
I love you more and most for ever and for always.
Your LanaLoo xxx