A suggestion from one of you lovely lot was to do a weekly series of ‘stories’ from either that week or recent times as sooooo many things happen to me that are so ridiculous its funny. I actually thought this was a really cool idea.
So that’s what I’m going to try doing!
This first ‘Episode’ is, as the title suggests a recent set of run ins with a pee pot, some vomit and a packet of raisins.
I’ll start with a pee pot.
Well. more than one pee pot for more than one reason.
As many of you know- I am a TOTAL PRO at peeing in a pot now. I don’t spill a drop- and I A-L-W-A-Y-S fill it to the top (I can’t help it!)
Well this week – I peed in a pot … and my wrist subluxed and got stuck with the lid of the pot (that makes no sense I know, but basically lid was in one hand, open pot in the other, and i still had to work out a way of getting from the toilet to the room, with an open pot of pee, a lid stuck in one hand and crutches…)
I didn’t manage to grow another hand- disappointment to that would be an understatement.
Sooooo instead- I managed to put the open pot on the same hand as the lid (Yes, on- because I now had my fingers locked over the lid, but palm facing up!) and balanced it on my hand as I used my ‘good wrist’ to grab my sticks, and hobbled unsteadily with one crutch in use and the other rendered useless under my arm, just so I could make it back to the room (which was like 5 Lana steps away).
If that wasn’t bad enough just as I reached the door (singing to ABBA as I walked to keep a steady rhythm so as not to tip my pot of piss all over the good old nhs carpets…) the doctor came flying out at me going “oh I was coming to find you”.
TOO LATE FOR THAT KNOBCHEESE!
What happened to the pee I hear you eagerly ask?
Nothing because I’m that skilled – I managed to keep it steady.
I cant deny- I cried I was so proud of myself. This is the girl with no hand eye co-ordination, who once wacked her p.e. teacher in the face with a stoolball racket trying to hit a ball, and who cant even walk for falling over her balance (AND JOINTS + Blood pressure). This was a miracle.
My fabulous body also decides to make me vomit lots.
How very kind of my body to give me that gift!
Thank you body thank you.
So picture this- me, a purple headed inconsiderate cripple, standing next to a bush … and what happens… Just as a rather lovely but annoying doctor (who I know all too well) walks past… I vomit…and not in the bush … oh no. I puke right between the bush and said doctor, missing him by about an inch, if that.
Luckily for him, hes a nice doctor. I don’t puke on nice doctors. I only puke on horrible doctors with expensive shoes, clean trousers, designer shirts & ties…
The Dr just went “see you when you’re ready” and walked in the building.
So I stood there, wiping the vomit from my mouth and swigging my water wishing it was a vodka based cocktail – woowoo, sex on the beach, Fuzzy/Hairy Naval – I dont mind, I’m not fussed… and then realised that I had an audience the whole time, who were making it no secret that they thought I was some sort of drug addict in withdrawal.
But again- as you know- I really do NOT give a monkeys hairy behind about what people think of me now.
And this is not the first time I’ve had to deal with stupid people like that.
I’ve reached that stage in life. I just stand there thinking F*ck it, Lifes too short!
So I turned round to my audience and took an elaborate bow.
“NICE TO SEE YOU TO SEE YOU NICE. THANK YOU CRAWLEY YOU’VE BEEN GREAT. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT- LATERS GATERS!”
Their faces were seriously picture perfect and beyond Instagram worthy. – No Joke.
Right, onto my last part of this first installment of story time with lana.
You all know, I love my raisins.
If raisins were a political party- I’d be first to vote for them.
The way to my heart is through chocolate raisins, vodka based cocktails and if you’re my nephew- big eyes, cheeky grins, cuddles, cute comments and singing.
I won a bet the other day and so want to know whats coming to me in the post?
Its just 8 Days till my raisinmuncher of a lunatit returns to my house after months and months so I’ll have some help eating my ever growing stash 😉
Keep your eyes peeled for the next ‘episode’.