Letters To Natalie- 3 Years.

Dear Nat.

Today is the 25th November 2016. Its 3 years today. 3 years since you grew your wings.

Nat. How the bloody hell is it 3 years. 3 YEARS?!?

I don’t even know what to say.

3 years.

Approximatley 1097 days. That’s 26,328 hours give or take.

1097 days, and Every day, I still go to message you “Good Morning Beautiful”.And then I remember.

Its crazy how quickly time passes by.
I dont know how 3 years is even possible.
They say time is a healer – but its not. Its not something to get over. Its something you have to deal with one day at a time.

You and your number 3. Follows me everywhere!

It feels like just yesterday we sat laughing uncontrollably over the fact that I had an uncle called Bob. It feels like only an hour ago you came and turned my life completley upside down, and helped shape me into the weirdo that I am today.
It feels like only a minute ago that we had our final “see you later”. It feels like just a second has passed since I held your hand for the last time.

it’s  now THREE years since you last told me you loved me, and I told you I Loved You too. THREE years since you last called me LanaLoo, since our last hug, since you last swore at me. THREE years since you last rang my phone. THREE years since you randomly asked for a tea towel, and laughed at me for “losing” my phone (which was in my pocket). THREE years and I still have to have your picture and card beside my bed, and I wear my necklace of you every single day.

I dont understand how it can be three years since we laughed so much we cried, barely able to breathe, almost peeing ourselves over things that don’t even seem remotely funny to the outside world.

How the hell is it three years since that day the pigeon flew into your french doors and it scared me and your mum shitless but you couldnt stop pissing yourself. How is it three years since we sat and “Raved” it up to our tunes?!

Three years since I last wiped your tears away and held your hand. Three years since you educated me on the world and all the mischief you got up to (its a good job you made me promise not to tell!).

Three years since you last told me you loved me more and most, for ever and for always.

Three quiet years since I last heard your voice  and your oh so contagious laugh. Three years without that smile that crept across your face, reached your big blue eyes and lit up the room.

Three whole years since you grew your wings and said goodnight.

In three years so much has happened, but I’ve kept all our promises and kept you with me the whole time. Every moment of my life I know you are by my side, and knowing this gives me the strength to get through it all, and fuck me has it been a lot to get through.

Thank you for never leaving me and being with me through it all, just like you promised. Thank you for all the signs and the number 3’s. Thank you for keeping your end of the deal.

Even though its been 1097 days. – I miss everything about you.

Sometimes I can still hear you in my head. Things happen and I can HEAR your response.  I just know what youd be saying about everything happening

I wish you could’ve been here for all the things that have happened and all the things yet to happen.

But then if you were here you’d hit me with your pillows for being too soppy.

Thank you for everything you ever taught me. Thank you for every moment we had.

Thank you for giving me the greatest gifts, sending me some amazing people, making their paths cross with mine. Thank you for looking out for them as well as me. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

More than anything else Nat, I want to thank you for being my bestfriend.

You will always be the most brave, inspirational, incredible, beautiful human being I have ever met. I will never be able to full justify you and how amazing you were to anyone.

You were and are more than my bestfriend. You became my bestfriend, like a mother, someone who loved and cared for me and most importantly loved me for me. You became a protector, an arsekicker, a rock, a light, a motivator (i.e. go do it or else! 😉 ), and oh so much more.

Now don’t get me wrong, you were completley off your head. You were bonkers, but truly unique. What you saw was what you got. No secrets, No lies. You were you. And that was that.

You were strong, gobby, Down to earth, short, Honest, loud, beautiful, smart, funny, foul mouthed, a bad influence (hehe!), a right old (!) Bossyboots and pain in the arse, and well, you were you.

One of a kind.

You were My Nat.
I just hope that no matter what happens, and no matter what I end up doing, I do you proud.

You were and are my bestfriend and Hero Natalie Hasler.

I’ll never forget you or the time we had together. Our memories will always be safe.
We met for a reason, we both know that. We met at exactly the right moment. Neither of us knew why, but both of us were thankful. We became bestfriends and partners in crime.

I’ll always keep our promises.
I’ll always tell everyone about you. About how amazing my NatNat was.

Bet you’re still perving over Stuart broads arse and drinking vodka shots, woowoos and pina coladas up there! I’ll have a cheeky vodka for you today.

Theres so much more that I want to say  – But ill save it for now.

I would give anything to hold your hand again, to have one last hug, one last kiss see you later, to hear you say one last i love you lanaloo.

I promise I wont waste the time. I’ll make the most of every moment

No one can ever be as amazing as you crazy lady. No one.

Thank you for everything my beautiful best friend.

I’ll “see you later” then beautiful.

I love you, more and most, for always and for ever.

Your LanaLoo xxx3xxx




About The Inconsiderate Cripple

Hi there, I'm the inconsiderate cripple. Welcome to the world through my eyes. Welcome and Hopefully - You'll stay with me on this journey!
This entry was posted in bucket list, Chronic Illness, ehlers danlos, Health, personal blog, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Letters To Natalie- 3 Years.

  1. Suzanne Sawyer says:

    Just reading your letter to Natalie (3 years) omg you had me in floods of tears xxx R.I.P Natalie xxx
    Lana you are a truly amazing young lady and I love you with all my heart xxx love you millions always & forever xxxx love Auntie Suzanne 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘 xxxx


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