Its Christmas eve tomorrow, then itll be your birthday on Wednesday… and then itll be 2017 before I know it.
This year has been way to hard for me. 2016 has been a tough one, and its been full of things that I didn’t see coming. Whats worse is that when all the bad things were happening- all I wanted was for you to call me and tell me it was all going to be ok, all I wanted was you back here with me to hold my hand and hug me through it all.
There’s a new emeli sandé song out called “Breathing Under Water” and you know what Nat? I feel like its my song. “I believe in miracles… because its a miracle I’m here” and you know exactly why that line of lyric means more to me than people could realise.
I got angry the other day because someone said something about my health- and in their defence they don’t know whats wrong with me – so I cant moan really, especially as they wouldn’t say it if they knew- But after I calmed down I realised that I need to talk to them about my conditions. I need to tell them whats going on, and I need to fill some people in – not everyone needs to know everything, but My Family that don’t already know and family friends…? I think its time I told them – that way they cant accuse me of keeping them out of the loop or hiding anything. is it the right thing to do? I don’t know. are they ready to hear it all? fuck knows.
I’m going to do it in the new year, and I’m going to send them a letter or a dvd of me talking to them or something. its got to be done. I just wish you were here to hold my hand and be my guinea pig- watch it first, read it first – because youd tell me outright what bits needed redoing, and youd know what I was trying to get across.
I know you’d hold my hand if you could.
I’ve been sitting on the bench again, talking to you mainly- sometimes shouting at you for leaving (I’m sorry), sometimes singing, sometimes crying, other times begging for a sign that itll all be ok.
Ive been pushing people away again. I’ve stopped now and am starting to let them back in again – it was just a wobbly period.
Talking of periods- bet you giggled at my conversation with jackyboy the other day about me having a paintball vagina.
I’m scared of what 2017 will bring -but I’m ready to face it – because I know a part of you is with me every single moment of every single day – helping me in ways I cant describe.
Someone from a support site talked about death the other day and how scary it is to think about. But I know whenever that time comes in how ever many years – youll be there waiting and youll slap me for being silly about all these things that by then will seem little.
I’m going to try my best and make the most of every single second of the rest of 2016, and the WHOLE of 2017. Whatever happens next year, I’m ready, because ive got my beautiful bestfriend in heaven watching my back.
I love you always.
Merry Christmas Beautiful.
Your lanaloo xxx