Letters To Natalie: Rambley letter, 4 years and remembering conversations.

*if you want to read the other letters to natalie you can find them on this blog somewhere*

Dear Nat.

I suddenly feel really old, and people keep saying I’m being silly, that I’m only 20 years old, that I don’t know what old is – which makes me want to scream. I know you’d understand EXACTLY what I mean by that.

Nothing has turned out like I had planned, or expected it to but when does it ever? A few months ago I still felt extremely bitter about it but now? I’m still a bit bitter, but I’m kind of glad because all these new opportunities are coming my way, and if the stuff that did happen never happened then none of this would’ve been going on now!

Its been about a year since I last wrote you a letter on here. I find myself writing texts to you, and instead of pressing send, I delete each word, remembering that you’re not on the other end of that phone anymore.

So much has happened although I already know you know because I feel you with me in so many different, in the number 3 that pops up, in the smells that suddenly appear out of nowhere of, in the songs that play on the radio, in the weird noises and  the just plain spooky stuff that keeps happening.

I’m in the process of starting a giant adventure. Although I suppose its already started. Each week I hope this weeks the week we hear news but so far no news. I’m terrified yet excited. I’m excited for this new step, this new part of my life, and I know that things will be so much better for me, that its another door opening. But its still a bit scary.

I miss you so much.

Its been 4 years since you grew your wings.

4 years.

How is THAT possible.

It still feels like yesterday.

I keep having these little moments where something happens and I grab my phone and go to ring you.

And although its been 4 years I STILL go to whatsapp you every single morning like I once did. Its 4 years yet I still find myself laying on my bed with my phone in my hand typing our usual message out.

I still expect you to be sitting waiting for me when I go in to see your mum.

There’s stuff happening at the minute, questions that I know I need to answer and have the answers  but im not ready. Not yet. I’ll face it head on when Its time. But not in 2017.

Its stupid. I’m sat here typing you a letter and i’m close to tears. Because my heart hurts again. I miss you. And now I miss uncle twat. Your daddy number 2. Now hes with you again and I miss you BOTH.  I know you’re together. Reunited. Causing mischief. Eating Steak. Getting drunk. And looking at us down here thinking we’re idiots. But i’m still angry. Angry that you’re both up there when neither of you should’ve left in the first place.

They say times a healer. That over time things will be easier. Well they’re fecking liars nat.

It doesn’t get easier.

It still hurts.

I’m still quite angry at the world.

My heart still hurts and I still have a piece of me missing.

You’re missed every day. And we talk about you all the time.

I keep my promises. I hope you’re keeping yours.

You’d love my godchild. I feel like you were with me when I helped her come in to the world. Shes adorable. As Esmeralda’s mummy teaches ME about cloth nappies, I’ve been teaching/showing  your mum. I bet you’re finding THAT entertaining.
I look at Eslan (Esmeralda’s current nickname) and I cant help but smile and imagine what you’d say about her. You’d probably accuse me of being broody… and then take the kid of me and hug her for the next century and a half.

I had a cuddle with Eslan the other day, and I remembered about a conversation we once had about babies. All i’m going to say is maybe you’re right after all.

I don’t dream often. but when i do, the dreams I have are just bizarre. They don’t make sense. I’ve got this feeling right down in my gut that you’d know what it’s all about. But as I can’t ask you, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

we only have a few weeks left of what has been one of the shittest years I’ve ever had. I can’t help but wonder what 2018 will bring. I wish i knew. But most of all I wish I could have a moment with you again. I would give anything to have you back with us again.

I Love You NatNat.

Your LanaLoo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

About The Inconsiderate Cripple

Hi there, I'm the inconsiderate cripple. Welcome to the world through my eyes. I'm Lana, a 21 year old crazy person with chronic illness/disability living for the moment. my blogs a bit weird, a bit 'out there' and a bit well... me. Welcome and Hopefully - You'll stay with me on this journey!
This entry was posted in Chronic Illness, ehlers danlos, Health, personal blog, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s