What they don’t tell you about grief.
They don’t tell you a lot about grief.
they don’t tell you that in every whisper of the wind you hear it all ten times louder because you desperately want it to be the ones you lost talking to you, sending you a message.
they tell you you’ll have good days and bad days.
but it’s not like that.
it’s more good moments and bad moments on numb days.
they don’t tell you those bad moments are like waves of coldness, and not just the coldness of a winters morn, but the coldness that burns.
the coldness and the burns of ice that causes unimaginable pain that reaches the deepest depths of your existence.
They don’t tell you that grief can sit on your shoulders, weighing you down for years until you finally acknowledge it. until you finally crack under the pressure and the shear burden that grief can give you.
They don’t tell you about the guilt. The guilt that you are still here and they’re not. The guilt you feel when you smile or laugh. The guilt you feel at the most unexpected things. The guilt you can feel when you’re happy. The guilt you can feel when you’re upset. The guilt you feel when you know that the one you love wouldn’t WANT you to be upset.
what they do tell you about grief is that it gets easier that you’ll get over it eventually.
but i’m yet to see how.
you may get better at living with it, may be better at managing the pain it brings.
but I don’t think losing the ones you love is something you can ever “get over”.
what they don’t tell you about grief is how hard it is. Or if they do say its hard they say its Hard but… well there are no buts. it bloody hurts and its bloody hard.
they don’t tell you how some days it’s hard to even open your eyes because the griefs presence starts to sting as soon as you wake you have to face another day without them here again.
what they don’t tell you is that sometimes just sometimes for the briefest of moments you’ll forget that they left.
Something will happen, you’ll go to laugh or you’ll go to call them or you’ll turn your head expecting them to be next to you and then you remember again.
they don’t tell you how painful that is.
How soul-destroying it is to have that split second of bliss like you’re in an alternative universe in which they haven’t left you and they are there in the moment with you.
what they don’t tell you about grief is how the smallest most silliest thing can turn your good moment and mood sour again.
An advert on TV, a song in a supermarket, a smell, or even a sip of your tea. a small thing that brings a memory back or sometimes not even a memory, it’s just a real life moment which makes you suddenly realise it all over again.
you’re here and they are not.
And they don’t tell you that about grief.
But the biggest thing they don’t tell you about grief is that is no one way to grieve.
they don’t tell you how that grief can is an all-consuming state and a distant memory all at the same time.
you have moments where you are fully rocked to the core with grief, and moments of unstable clarity where you think you have control again of it all but really your grief has lulled you in to a false sense of security because BANG and your back to being cocooned in it all once more.
and what they certainly don’t tell you is this.
it’s OK. it’s ok that you’re not ok. it’s ok if the only thing you did today was exist. and it’s equally ok if you are living your life to the full and doing “ok”.
Its ok if it take years to cry. If you take years to ‘visibly’ grief.
it’s ok that grief is something you will live with forever.
More than anything, they don’t tell you that you have to grieve your way.
they SHOULD tell you that grief is a demon that you will have to find your own way of dealing with.
you’ll have your own battle with it, and only you will truly know which paths to take.
they SHOULD tell you that it’s ok to cry and it’s ok if you DONT or CANT cry.
it’s ok if you scream and it’s ok if you sing.
It’s important to talk about it, but its ok to take your time doing so.
it’s ok to laugh.
and it’s ok to ‘move on’.
Its important more than anything else to CARRY on.
even though you might have grief kick you in the heart at times for trying to get through life, just go one foot in front on the other.
just take it one moment at a time, one single breath at a time and it will be ok.
just keep loving. loving yourself, loving everyone in your life (new and old) and keep living.
loving living and breathing.
and the grief will be there, of course it will.
but you’re not alone and we can do this together.
different pieces to different puzzles but all playing the same game.
I can’t promise that grief will go away because I don’t think it will. But I can promise you I’m here for you.