ok so quick disclaimer, i have no idea what this is it turned from some poetry rambles about 2018, and the shit that happened to some life rant that actually made my heart sing. it was like this message i suddenly had to say. So i wrote this at 3 am today. And ive recorded it to and put it on youtube. (Link to follow) BUT BASICALLY ITS THIS. Rough as shit but THERE YOU GO
2018. when i think of it all it was a shit year. after contemplation, theres a sense of frustration. because if im honest here i feel like a mug. i feel like a fool. i feel like i should have never ever trusted you. i feel like i shouldnt have done what i find hard, letting you in like i dont normally do. what was it that made me choose you. to trust. to let through, all the scars from before and from the layers of previous experiences and layers of grief. of secrets. of my past, of messed up memories. of imperfections. and then you did what you said youd never do. you made me regret trusting in you, to be there when i fell. i cant believe i listened when you said “ill be there if you need me, just yell”. it was all just words that id heard before. and now how im feeling, are feelings i didnt think id ever have again, and feelings i dont want anymore. and what hurts most is that you knew, there were times I felt like a burdeon.
that i felt guilty for just living. when it turns out i was the only one really giving. and im not saying i regret giving, because thats not true. i never regret any of the stuff i did for you. but what i do regret is being treated like a fool. and for trusting you and letting you in to my bubble after all. if i wanted to be malicious the revenge could be just so delicious because youve come to me with all the shit of the century. i could take you down in a single sentence but lucky for you that isnt me.
because if i did that it would only lead to my own self resentment. and i made a commitment. when we first built onour connection and you told me it all in absolute confidence, even things where i thought “ i dont know what to make of this” i promised it, and my word is my honour and if i turn back on that, i turn back on me and what kind of person would i then be. if i did that i would be just as bad if not worse than you. but hey me being a better and bigger person than all this is actually nothing new. i think what im actually trying to say my friend, is that today, right now is the end. and if you cant aplogise, thats fine. ive always been the one who is wise.
i dont want to bear a grudge, instead i want to spend that time spreading love. so if you cant change or realise the situation take yourself away from me, remove from the equation because youre so full of shit so full of negativity and you know what? im longer the liasion, the one whos left feeling little and im certainly no longer being the piggy in the middle.
to be or not to be is no longer the question, its to stay or not to say in contact with the ones that cause the aggravation, so much stress it makes my head a fucking mess, that im sitting at 3 am writing this to try to get it all to make sense.
my friend i am so tired of being in the thick of it. of you trying to push centre stage, of you assuming we are on the same page.
when in reality i am my own person. my own being with my own life. my own worries my own situation, and im not going to make it all a negotiation, either be in my world or not, thats cool, just please reallse its not revolving around you after all, im glad i can be there, for you when you need me to be. because i love you and that part hasnt changed. ill always be here when you need me. but i wont be used and my trust will NOT be abused.
ultimatley, what im saying is its not that im saying im not ok with you, im not saying i dont care, because i do, and im glad that im not in that place in my own head where i hate you. becase although i dont agree with some of what you say or what you do, carrying that kind of hate that kind of negativty , well it just was not good for me. it made my head and my heart way too heavy.
and i never meant for any of this to rhyme but it justed ended up being this way. which is fine. after all, this is online.
another important thing whilst this is in my head. another point before i go to bed. there are so many things that could be said life is what you make of it but dont go doing shit for the sake of it. take a seat remove yourself from the heat and save a moment to yourself to think about what youre saying and what youre doing. just take that single second to think because you could be pushing too far, to beyond the brink, of self destruction, of everything.
im not saying that its bad to be there for others. im not saying that at all. but to put yourself first at times, to take some time for you, is one of the most most important things in this life you could do. to take a moment. take a single fragment of time, to take a deep breath and enjoy lifes ride.
because in lana parrillas, words “you are where youre meant to be” even if its not your final destination but just a step in the journey.
and because Grandad could be right.
when its the end, it could be it and “when youre dead youre dead”.
but then again, nik could be correct and it could be pure paradise with patrick swayzee dance lessons instead . or it could be simpley that you wish you listened more, to a small piece of simple advice, and that you wish you enjoyed every piece of your short life, the fire, the smoke, the ice.
you know now i think of it like this, we dont often realise that we re never given long enough to fully take in the things love, the people, nature, the worlds, even the things we think we hate.
theres so much we dont appreciate.
and theres so much pressure we put on ourselves, that sometimes we end up living in our self made hells. why the hell do we listen to the negative thoughts. why do we put so much focus on the pre set standards. we are who we are at the end of the day. it doesnt matter who you love, who you pray to you, whether you wear dresses or a tie, or how much is in your pocket and what brand of phone you buy.
it doesnt matter what you look like, and mate life is too short to not eat that slice of cake or to not take a chance a leap of faith, its too short to not spread love and honey its not the time or the place to discriminate or spread hate.
dont be a banter tampon dont be an arse, dont sugar coat shit and dont live life as a farce.
in a time full of politicians and wars and so much scary shit in a time many fear to walk down the street alone because they might become a target to hit.
in time full of liars and online buyers. stand up. get your voice heard. say enough is enough. even if your argument like mine has gone off topic and is a little rough, and if you have no confidence trust me i get you, my speech impediments and my various issues got me so nervous about saying this im sat with a pocketful of tissues. i guess what im saying now, is have some self pride.
its about what you feel in side. its about what makes you you. and fuck who tries to tell you what that is or what to do. youre the only one who can decide that. and if you let others choose for you that battle will never be won. and you deserve to be youre own hero, you deserve to be number one. now im not sure about you, but i dont want to live with regrets which brings me back to my original point. with what i know COULD put you on your arse.
i COULD fight back, but it would be a pointless task, a waste of my energy, a waste of my precious time and its not worth that. its not worth that and i dont want regrets in this beautiful life of mine. so yes i was angry at the start of this. yes i was mad. but after writing all this im just glad.
im glad that 2018 did make me feel something after all.
im glad i could write this down. im glad i finally realised what i have all around. i have love and i have life and i have so much more to give. and no matter what my situation no matter what is going on im glad im able to finally move on.
life may be crazy. Life may be strange. life may be awful, good, happy, sad, amazing incredible or a range of all things. and thats ok. because im going to live in today. not going to let anyone or anything get in my way.
now youve come to the end, my friend. and the other thing you might find aside from all the rhyme, is that this isnt aimed at a specific conversation or actually come to think of it even a specific situation or a specifc person in my lifes bubble, and if you see yourself in this ive not said it to cause trouble, but if you think youre the you or maybe you realise that youre the ME in this story of what life can be.
then you just might find yourself the meaning to this riddle. i dont know about you, im no longer going to be the one whos having someone else take the ‘piddle’.
life is what you make it like i said before. and im going to make it worthwhile. im going to make my life worth living and fighting for. so thank you for taking the time to read this story, Its now almost 4 in the morning. i needed to get it off my chest and out of my head. but now its time for my bed. i love you all no matter what part you play in my life, be it big or very small. and ive made the decision not to rebuild the wall, the wall that stops people from getting to know the real me. 2019 is the new beginning to my life story.
oh and hi. im lana. the inconsiderate cripple, and no thats a scar on my chest, its not a third nipple.
Welcome to my life. Welcome to me. im going to make 2019 the best year it can bloody be.
The year we are the change we want to see.