Time.

I’m sorry I’ve been absent from here again.

Life has been hectic and I’ve had deadlines for other projects and my diploma thingy so this has taken a bit of a back burner.

HOWEVER I think I’ve found a way to balance it all out now, so lets see how we go.

Anyway.

In a matter of days, I shall be 20.

I suddenly feel really old and like I don’t know where the years have gone.

Time is just going by too quickly.

My mum and dad were married by the time she was 20. how scary is that. If they’d have had me straight away I could be …well… a bit older than I am now 😉

New tattoo is this week, both myself and my dad are getting tats done. Stay tuned for that update!

speak soon (I hope)

L x

 

 

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Faiths last words.

As most of you know, my friend faith passed away in this year. Her letter to me can be read here (The Strangest Post I’ll ever do. )

Her funeral was… very much what she wanted. She had planned the day herself, and we followed her wishes.

Her music included the Macarena, Faith, Sex Bomb and Kiss.  Her hearse was a motorbike and side car. I wore my flamingo hat, and my “pink pj top” and white denim jacket as per her instructions. Her cousin wore her tiger onesie. Her parents, brother and very close family all followed their instructions as to what to wear too.

This is what I was made to read at faiths funeral. She wrote itself before she died, 4 of us had different variations of the same letter and muggins here was the one who ended up reading it. Her mum suggested I put it on here, so that’s what I’ve done. here goes.

Hello people that are still living this is written by the girl in the coffin in the front. Cant miss me there should be a giant zebra toy on top.
And if this version is being read out, its being read by one of my bestfriends in the entire universe, Beanie other wise known as Lana – the girl standing in front of you in pink and wearing a flamingo hat. – which are my wishes.
It also means my mum and co cant read out what i asked them too which means theyre struggling so please be nice to them.
Lanas got this shit covered though so im not worried shes a good public speaker.
Now, i assume the vicar will say all the usual stuff about me such as when i was born and where i went to school etc etc etc etc blah blah blah blah BLAH BORING You didnt know me really!
The ones that knew me are my parents, godparents, my beanie, my cousin jonny, and the zebras from our little group.
The rest of you are probably already muttering what the fuck are we at the wrong funeral under your breath, as my hearse was a motorbike and sidecar, weve had the macarena as an entrance, theres a sign up which says theres no programme of order or whatever its bloody called because its a waste of trees and #faithy aint a tree murderer and now we’ve got a flamingo girl reading out a letter from the dead girl in the coffin.
See most of you knew the boring rude slightly depressing reclusive Faith Valentina Maria Sally-Anne Grace .
Yeah mum and dad cheers for giving me more names than royalty.
But really if you REALLY took the time to get to know me youd have known faith the great big gay disabled comedian.
With lots of sass and lots of sarcasm and lots of laughter.
I was depressed and my brain could be a mental shit tip. but i was also so much more.
Most of you boring bastards are religious to the bones and happen to have the personality of a wet sock, i however am not.
Despite my name i do not feel like i have a faith.
So excuse me but i refuse to have a hymm.
Instead im having a song played after this which will probably make my mother, auntie marlene, Lana and Jonny laugh so much they will cry because of the memories.
That and the faces of the rest of you will be comical.
Its strange to think ill be dead when this is being read to you.
Ive made the decision to take control of whats going on. And i know a lot of you will never approve but its my choice and my decision. I cant cope with The pain like others can. My body and my brain is trapped in a living hell. My soul wants to break free.
I dont know whats next but whatever is next ill see my loved ones again one day i know i will.
Now.
Last things.
Mummy and Daddy I love you and im sorry youre having to have to do this today.
Auntie marley, Uncle Pete, Auntie Lillian and uncle richard. I love you  and thank you.
Beanie what can i say that i havent already covered in a letter. Aside from see you later bitch.
Jonny im sorry i never called you by your Real name of journey grace. But quite frankly you suit jonny better and your parents mustve been on crack when they named you. I love you always and i meant what i said about the tattoo in your letter.
Zebras – i hope the skype link is set up and youre watching this. Thank you – now look after beanie and look after each other.
James, if youre here I forgive you. Now dont be a shit son step up please. They need you.
Everyone else. You didnt do much for me but nows the chance to put shit right and be there for my family.
Look dont be sad. Im free.
Now enjoy the music, enjoy the boring shit that the vicar will say about me.
Over and out mother fuckers
Love Faithy.

 

 

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A wedding and a packet of rolos.

If you didn’t know, I have 6 godparents. (well 6 and a half but that’s a long story in itself 😉 ).

Two of my godparents are Rita and Paul. My auntie Rita and uncle paul aren’t here anymore bless them. So their daughter, Suzanne, is like another honoury Auntie to me.

Earlier this month, Auntie Sue got married!!!

Its funny, she was my mum & dads bridesmaid 30 odd years ago, and NOW shes a bride herself!!!

I went blue for the wedding!

I and a friend of mine took the photos and video footage for the day and it was just such a bloody beautiful day.

It knackered me out though, and I ended up paying it for it later that night and the next day. – bloody worth it though.

Our Sue looked STUNNING. And her groom, chris (now my uncle chris 😉 ) looked very dapper.

IMG_9441

I don’t do crying or tears, certainly not at weddings, yet on their big day I cried!!! not once, not twice but THREE TIMES! that’s how BEAUTIFUL it was.

Another huge part of the day was a proper reunion with my dems.

Demi is my godparents granddaughter. Through various circumstances we didn’t see each other for a fair few years. And to be reunited with her was just bloody fabulous.

One of the strongest memories I have from our childhood was that I always gave her my last rolo, no matter how many I had already given her from the packet already, demi always, ALWAYS got my last one- yep I really did love her that much (or maybe I was just a sucker who gave away their sweets 😉 ). So for traditions sake who got the last rolo at the wedding? My girl did. You’ll always be one of my bestests dems, no matter what ever happens or how long we go without seeing each other, family we will always be. Love you always! IMG_9426

Huge shoutout to those I met at the wedding- Mandy, Kayley, Jackie! you’re officially in my circle now 😉 welcome  to the gang and I hope to see you all again at some point!

Dear Auntie Sue and my new uncle chris (that’s going to stick you know)

You two are just so bloody gorgeous together.

Thank you for making her happy chris.

Congratulations to you both.

Thank you for letting me be a part of what was beyond a special day.

I’ll see you both super soon.

Congratulations to mr and mrs G! I Love you both!

L xx

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Silence

I’ve not been publishing my blog posts recently.

I’ve been silent. Again.

I’m sorry.

Things have been happening again. Not all of them are negative, a lot of positive things have happened too.

Life just got really hectic.

But I’m back with a vengeance.

watch this space x

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Happy Mothers Day

IMG_9178Happy Mothers Day to my Mummy.

Now I know everyone thinks their mum is the best but Mine really is.

If you dont know the full ins and outs Im not going to explain it today or on facebook (feel free to ask but i will not post it on social media) – basically i got a diagnosis last year that as a family was hard to process, and although it made sense, it wasnt easy to accept or get our heads around, mum especially. And then after that, there was even more that went on that was incredibly challenging to deal with. Im so lucky to have my mum because although our lives has been a bit difficult (and days continue to have scary moments) she kept it together and continued to fight with me for the treatment, support and Help i needed.

She works full time, comes home and deals with me- often ive been on the floor in a heap or in pain and i go “muuum i need to go somewhere” (somewhere being a hospital). Then if we go to hospital of our own occord or ambulance, We then are often there till the early hours, or im kept in, which still means mums done a full day at work, and then is up till all hours. Yet she doesnt ever make me feel like a burden.

We are big on “normality” in our house because our lives are far from normal, so we laugh and joke as much as possible, We muck about and we have banter. We create happy memories in the dark days.

We argue like any other parent and child dont get me wrong we wind each other up.

But were incredibly close and have a very special bond.

Mumsie is one of a kind. I mean how many people can say their mum dresses as a blueberry or giant peach.

I get very anxious about stuff and mum eases it. Sometimes its just because shes a distraction – like when she starts singing songs from rhyme time.

Mums name means sword.

Mine means little rock/stone.

She calls me her rock,
And i call her my secret weapon.
Because you dont mess with the mamabren! They call her dragon lady for a reason!
Her eyes go red when shes angry.

It cant be easy being my mum. My mum is incredibly strong and i honestly dont know where she gets her strength from. The woman deserves a medal for putting up with me!

Thank you for everything mumsie.

“what do we do we feeeeeeeeed the dragon”

Love you always mum xxx

Love Larny

 

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Songs from my shrimp.

 

Faith had a list of songs sent to me for after she had died.

The email came through the Monday after she had died with a message which simply said ” Enjoy the memories and spread the giggles beanie you know what to do “. I didn’t understand until I received the letter yesterday

Each song that is on the list has a story behind them. I sort of figured it would bring some sort of smile to those few people that knew faithy if they knew WHY these songs are significant.

Sex Bomb – Tom Jones.

We had quite a few physio sessions booked in for the same time. and as with most hospitals, we’d be waiting a g e s for our appointments.

one time, our physios were both almost an hour and a half behind schedule.

So in a corridor style waiting room, it was just us and her mum. I had to keep her distracted because she hated things going against schedule. I sang songs to her, she had to type in random songs to youtube, and id sing along and “dance” – it was great fun. Then I got up to put my banana skin in the bin, and suddenly she started playing through her phone “sex bomb” full blast. I danced to the bin…put the banana skin in the bin… tried to do a moonwalk back to faith whilst singing sexbomb… I didn’t really realise a bloke was standing watching me until I tripped over my stick, and went face first in to his crotch.

It was a running joke after that to sing sex bomb every time you go to a bin.

 

2)  Bitch – Meredith Brooks

I used to see faith a lot when I was still at college as in some of my frees or even before college if I had a late start, Id go for coffee with her and her mum in Horsham.

most of the time if I did go for coffee with them her mum would either drive me back to college or if it was good weather they would walk me back there.

We were in her mums car – and this came on the car radio.

we both looked at eachother and started to head bang to it singing loudly with the windows down.

 

3)  Home – Gabrielle Aplin

She always said this song sang to her, that it was a piece of music that could make her heart sing.

 

 

4) Delilah – tom jones

She talks about this in her letter to me.  But whenever she was in a dark place id sing this to her because she bloody loved tom jones.

 

5) Holding out for a hero (shrek) – Jennifer Saunders

Shrimpy loved shrek ( as do I ) and also we both adore saunders. and abfab – obviously.

Somewhere there is a video with me, wearing a pair of underpants on the outside, with a blanket tucked in to my tshirt like a cape, “dancing like superman” to this in a physio session that we shared together. – again it was mainly to cheer her up. Physio is painful – and she hated going.

 

6) Faith – George Michael

Obviously I used to sing this to her – her name was faith it would have been a missed opportunity if I hadn’t.  however I was adamant that it was TOM JONES That sang this originally not George Michael. Woops.

 

7) You Cant Hurry Love – Phil Collins

We both loved the film jumpin jack flash – theres a scene where whoopi mimes to this song.

We both loved this version though. got to love phil Collins.

8) Kiss- prince

she traumatised a poor cleaner once at crawley hospital. she was given pain relief that made her totally mouthy and not faith like at all…as although to me she was always my faithy, a damn right crazy woman, to the rest of the world a lot of the time she was shy and withdrawn faith. Anyway, that day she thrusted herself in the poor blokes face whilst singing this. Again theres a video of this somewhere

 

9)  Feels like I’m in love – Kelly marie

Our all time fav film  – imagine me and you – has this song in it.  we always said if we were able bodied and not edsers we would recreate the scene in the film where this song is played.

Our favourite line of the film is “YOURE A WANKER NUMBER NIIIIIIIIIIINE ”

 

10) Same Love – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (Ft Mary Lambert)

She came out last year She loved this song, and spent the entire of month of july listening to this song every single night.

11) Eden by Sara Bareilles

She always referred to heaven/afterlife as eden. She loved the idea of there being a paradise after death where she could be reunited with people she loved.
This song has nothing to do with her view of the afterlife,but she loved the lyrics and loved the song. she’d sing it to me when I was having a bad day.

12 ) Breathing Underwater – Emeli Sande

This is MY favourite song, and when I first sent her a link to it, she listened to it and called me, with it playing full volume in the background screaming down the phone “OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS SONG IS AMAZING AND ITS SO YOUR KINDA SONG AND OH GOOD LORD YOU NEED THIS SONG PLAYED EVERY TIME SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE SAID THAT PEOPLE NEED TO LISTEN TO”.  I feel like she’s put this on here to remind me that every day is a miracle no matter what happens.

13) Don’t you forget about me – Simple Minds

Funny story-  a friend of mine kept telling me I had to watch the breakfast club – and like a year or so later I finally watched it. Fai hadn’t seen it either – so her mum got her copy and we facetimed each other whilst watching it seperatley but together (if that makes any sense) – we were both in tears by the end of the film.

14) Macarena – Los Del Rio

Believe it or not she wants this song played at her funeral as they “carry her in”  She also wants me to wear my flamingo hat. the things we do for that girl.

15) Up where we belong – Joe Cocker and Jennifer warnes.

she always said this would be her first dance at her wedding. she then said she’d never get married.  we used to mime to this song in her mums car, using my walking stick and her special drinks bottle as microphones.

16)  You Can Leave your hat on – Joe Cocker

Finally  – the song she’d sing to me at every opportunity, which was fab, until (again a medically induced high as a kite faithy situation) she had too much meds in costa and decided to sing this to me as loud as she could whilst wearing my white bowler hat.

I wish more people knew the faith I knew.  she was quite fun really was my faithy.

Lana x

 

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The Strangest Post I’ll ever do.

Hi everyone.

The main part of this post isn’t actually written by me and its one of the strangest things that will be posted on this blog.

A good friend of mine – Faith – Passed away on the 24th Feb.  She was 23. This is a letter she wrote for me for when the time came. It’s in this letter – but basically she asked me to put this on here.

She was one of a kind. I wish more people knew the faith I knew. She wasnt a very open person BUT when she let you in, there was no going back, and her character was a big one.

Faithy thank you for the almost 3 years of friendship. Wish you didn’t have to leave. I’ll miss you and Love you always shrimpy xxx

So, on to the letter that my faith wrote for me.

Lans

An extra letter for my extra special girl.

From the moment you walked straight in to the closed glass door thinking it would open and made a tit of yourself I knew we would be friends for a very long time.

Lets be honest I didn’t have other friends outside our small circle and you were the only one I knew in real life. I was lonely but you made a difference and ill always be thankful for that.

we both know what it means if you’re reading this. I’m gone. I’ve gone up to the sky to the paradise that is Eden.

Now, down to business I’ve left you Mrs foggins. Keep her safe and loved and pass her on to someone else one day.

don’t mope around after me.

Life is an adventure kid, go out and live life.

Do all you can while you can.

You’re the mother of our group lets face it so i know you’ll make a wonderful mother, and whilst at the time of writing this you don’t have any kids, i hope im still here when you do have them so i can teach them all about how doors ACTUALLY WORK.

Dont let any one ever stop you from having children – we both know with our conditions itll be Interesting Having kids, but please don’t let it stop you. Any kid will be a million times blessed to have you as their parent. And of course will be very lucky to have their auntie faithy, because although I don’t get out much and im not very sociable i make a fabulous gluten-free dairy free cheesecake. And cherry fudge. I’ve left you the recipe for that too. It’s not dairy free though.

A long time ago you told me your fears and i told you mine. Thank you for trusting me and listening to me.

If ive not gone and completed my list of adventures, please do them for me. Theres only 5 of them and you know what they are.

promise me you’ll go for coffee with my mum and make sure she’s ok. (You have to say yes you promise as ill be able to haunt you now bitch)

Now at the time of this being written you havent started vlogging yet. fucking start it now if you still havent. No excuses.

Make memories.

You inspired me every day you should know that. You remained a sociable butterfly in all the shite and didn’t fall back in to the dark pit of your own brain. That takes balls so good on you.

I hope you find the right person for you. Be happy. And be YOU. You inspired me to be truthful about who I am.

You inspired me to come out in 2016. Without your support id never have done it you know.

Make sure you keep singing your heart out on buses even though you don’t have me to sing to down the phone. Sing to the camera instead. that’ll make for good vlogging entertainment just do not break the camera when chair dancing.

Remember That time in Costa when you fell off the chair, got stuck and I almost fell OUT of my wheelchair laughing? You pulled your joints out and made that poor coffee guy who came to help faint and smash out hot chocolates. At least we got free new ones (even though it really was your fault it happened)

Or what about the time you seized outside of new look and my mum reassured the passersby that you were fine it just happens to you.

Or the time you kept clucking like a chicken instead of saying “Collyers College”. You thought you were saying it right yet all that came out was “cluck cluck cluck cluck”. My Mum thought you were having some sort of stroke.

I wont ever forget the time I was having a dark day so you  face timed me, i was miserable as sin, you were on a bus, so you sang “WHY WHY WHYYYY DELILAH” whilst on the bus facetiming me and that old man joined in and you got louder; and then when you finished the song the old lady said “finally the racket stops i thought the windows would shatter” it was first time i had laughed in days.

Sex bomb sex bomb plays in my head every time I put something in the bin and again that is your fault.

Since meeting you I can’t eat a milky bar without laughing I shan’t put why in this though in case my mother reads it. I had to add it though.

Dont ever call my future nieces and or nephews Anything stupid by the way. Although if you have them soon hopefully ive stopped you from chosing a stupid sounding name. Remember my rules a rock star, a pm, a teacher, a doctor, an artist and a cleaner.

I hope ive got to meet your future children. I hope ive met the person you want to marry. I hope ive given them a death threat. mess with my beans you mess with me you get me.

I wonder if you convinced me to watch a holbycity episode. If you did – well done. But i probably just watched it to shut you up about it all and bloody bernie and serena whoever they are.

I hope you read fifty shades. And watch all the films. I actually hope you watched them with me. Not in a sordid way but because you would be funny to watch it with. And I think you’d like the books.

You are Anal a Pussy after all. (Sorry I had to)

According to that physio that time you were Alandyard Pusswee . And I Fate Fight MacKraynut. Knob.

My wish for you is that you Never let your conditions dictate.

Never let it stop you.

I hope you stick to your promise about what youll eat and do on my birthday each year – don’t eat it or spend it alone though.

Send a green balloon up for me once in a while will you?

Dont forget you have to write your book. And add in a sex chapter. Itll make people laugh. Its hilarious the shit that’s gone on with you. Besides itll be so relatable for people like us edsers.

I have a list of tunes that you must listen to when you miss me. I’ve organised the site to email them to you when they’ve been told ive popped it.

I hope i managed to go to at least one of your big parties. If i havent im sorry. I hope i met your family and friends at least. I hope i didn’t chicken out. Its harder for me to meet people it’s so scary.

I’m glad you are reading this because although im not glad ive left you all, I am glad ive left you first. It would’ve been harder the other way around. You have an army behind you, i have you, the group, my parents and my 3 godparents. And although you give me the strength of an army, and your strength could carry me through anything i don’t think i could cope losing you or the other zebras in our group. It was hard losing Choochie but it would be harder to lose any one else.

A last request. I’ve asked mum to shut my Facebook a week after my departure but I need you to put this letter on your blog. Including the bits that make you look stupid. No edits. Just type it all up. Keep the goodbye letter private, Put this one out there. Give the world a thing to read from me, I want them to read it. I want them to hear the things about you that you would never boast about. I want them to hear about my lans. My beanie girl. Again you can’t not carry out my wishes – im dead ill haunt you.

#post it for the blog

You gave me happiness back and a sense of humour. I’ll always be grateful for that. Thank your for our friendship. Thank you for bringing the sunshine to my days.

It’s never goodbye. It’s just a temp thing.

Never ever give up or give in. Keep breathing keep fighting keep laughing and live.

Love you beanie

Love always,

Faith Your Shrimpy / Fay /Faithy/ royal arsehole / TomJones/ TopCat. Xxx

For any of Lans Future children aka my future nieces and nephews I don’t know if im still around to meet you. I don’t know how old you are when this is being read to you.

You may have never met me.

But I know you’ll know about me.

Now at the time of writing this you don’t exist.

But let me tell you something.

When your mummy does decide to create life in her rather strange body, you will be very lucky to have her as your mummy. Shes younger than me, but she’s like the mother of our little group. And she makes us laugh when we are sad and hugs us when we are down and makes us smile. She takes care of us. No matter what state her health is in she will be the best mummy to you, and will always make sure you want for nothing and that you have everything because that is what she is like. You should know that your auntie faith loves you.

I hope I did meet you but if I didn’t look to the clouds and ill be there.

Love auntie faithy.

Ps I hope your mother didn’t give you stupid names. If she did feel free to poop in her shoes. Or better still piss in her hats. Then tell her auntie faith said that’s the price to pay for stupid names.

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